I Think I'm Just Going to Ramble on This One

It's been two weeks since I first landed in Taiwan. Two days ago I decided to go to McDonald's because of reasons I don't have to justify to you. So what if I'm surrounded by delicious Taiwanese cuisine?! Some times a guy just wants a cheeseburger! I can still appreciate Taiwanese culture while eating McDonald's!

Sorry, I haven't had a good cup of coffee in a long time. I'm not mad, I'm just tired. Anyway, so I walked into the McDonald's and the very first thing that happens is the two cashiers look at me, look at each other, look back at me, and then turn to each other and start laughing. I checked my pants zipper and everything was cool so I decided to just act like it wasn't a big deal. I figured they were just trying to decide who has to speak English to the white guy. It was surprisingly easy to order my food considering I had to do so in between their breaks from laughing. The female cashier started to ask me a question in Mandarin but then decided that it wasn't worth it and just laughed and threw a straw in my bag. Needless to say, I got my food to go.

Looks like McDonald's design team decided to give acid another try.

After I finished my food, my roommate Keiran got home and wouldn't you know it but he thought McDonald's sounded like a good idea too. I decided to go back with him because I needed to buy some towels from the store nearby (no more drying off with shirts!). We walked into McDonald's and guess who was at the counter? Why, only my two BFFs from earlier! I now know the face of excitement that movie stars get from star-struck fans.

Being laughed at once that day was enough so I decided to hang back at the tables while Keiran went up to order. But here's the thing about Keiran; the dude can speak Mandarin. And not just "Yeah I took a few semesters in college" Mandarin, but full blown "My mom's from Taiwan and I've known Mandarin since I was a child" Mandarin. Mr. and Mrs. Giggles-a-Lot didn't know this. When Keiran got back to the table he informed me that all the employees that had been staring at me were turning around and saying to each other, "He's back, he's back!" So I'm famous. I'll probably go back next week. Straw girl was cute.

And just to assure you that I am enjoying more cultured dishes, tonight I ate blood cake which is basically congealed pig blood and rice. So don't worry Mom, I'm trying new things.

While cleaning up around the house the other day I found something interesting.

Ladies...

Turns out it's from a gimmick restaurant that is toilet themed. Yes, that's a real thing. Apparently the container is what they serve their drinks in. I was going to go check this place out however, based on what I've heard from other people the decorations are kind of cool but the food tastes like shit.

BOOM! Nailed it! I have no regrets about that joke.

While we're on the subject of bathrooms (which has somehow manifested into the running theme of my blog posts) I made a new friend in my school's bathroom the other day.

"Don't mind me. Just looking to save 15% or more on my car insurance."

Speaking of bathrooms, what's something you do in them? That's right, you brush your teeth! But first you need some toothpaste. Well don't worry folks, Taichung has a plethora of toothpaste brands to select from and with a little help from Keiran we can even translate their names for you! For instance...

White People Toothpaste!

Go ahead, Google Translate "white people" to Mandarin. I'll wait.

But don't worry. There's toothpaste for other races too!

Darlie's Black People Toothpaste!

It didn't feel right that these two equally fine brands were in separate areas of the toothpaste aisle, so.....

"Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony!"

Now this blog wouldn't be complete if I didn't dish out some sort of advice about day-to-day living in Taichung so for this entry we'll tackle the pressing issue of trash disposal. Back in America taking out the trash involves taking bags to a trash can and wheeling it to the street on a specific day. It also involves a lot of complaining and threats of not receiving an allowance if you didn't help out around the house more. Overall, it's a pretty monotonous routine. Now for a video of Taiwan taking the American trash experience and drop-kicking it out the 9th floor window.

Flashing lights! Classical music! Neighborhood togetherness! We swarmed that truck like it was the LA riots and it was the only unflipped car on the block! And this happens every night! I know it was the 4th of July yesterday and I'm not one to talk trash on someone during their birthday party, but America could learn a thing or two from this.

Finally, I've realized that blogging is a very one sided endeavor and that doesn't seem very fair to you, my many loyal readers (aka Mom and Dad). So let's get this a bit more interactive. There's a comment button at the end of each blog post. If you want to see something in Taichung, have a ridiculous task you think I should try out, or just want to ask about Taiwan in general, leave a comment and I'll do my best to address it in a future blog. And if I can't find out the answer I'll just make up a really good lie. Or don't leave a comment and just wait for me to post another blog about bathrooms in Taiwan. It's your choice.

I'm Getting Better at Chop Sticks

The other day I was walking down the street by my house when I passed this sweet old lady. She was using an umbrella as a cane and looked like she was out for a leisurely stroll. We made eye contact and smiled at each other, a sincere smile of genuine human connection. I'll never forget the aura of calmness that seemed to follow her.

Ten seconds later she zoomed by and almost clipped me on her scooter. That sweet old maniac.

I spent the last week visiting my school and doing prep work for the upcoming week. I hit my head on three different doorways because Taiwanese architects are sadists. During my quest to give myself a concussion I got to meet my future students and they are all awesome! Unbeknownst to me, their teacher got them really pumped up to meet me so as soon as I walked into their classroom I was greeted with cries of "Teacher Eli!" Hearing that many kids shout your name in excitement gives you a feeling that you'll never get tired of. And I know this sounds tacky but I feel like I'll learn just as much from the students as they'll learn from me. For instance, I already learned that Teacher Eli is a giant, he is super strong, and he is very hairy. This is followed by kids pulling on your arm and leg hair in awe. It feels good to be a role model in that aspect. On a side note, JP if you ever decide to bring that beard of yours for a visit to Taiwan I think the students would view you as some sort of hairy deity.

The other day I went with a few of the other new teachers to explore a nearby mall and was able to find some decorations for my desk.

A must have for any teacher.

 

X: It's for Xmas. Also, here's a goat.

 Someday Simba, all this will be yours. Everything the light touches...

Just a fair warning about this next picture; if you happen to be someone with a strong sense of nationalism or think that Toby Keith is some sort of spokesman for the greatness of everything American I hate to burst your bubble but...

Ore-oh snap!

Yeah, I know. I just blew your mind with a sandwich cookie. The world can be a dark scary place but I'm the guy with a flashlight, so just stick with me.

So all of us new teachers had been staying in a hotel during the first week we were here and were supposed to move into our new places on Saturday morning. However, due to a mix-up of dates we had to leave school in the middle of the day on Friday to rush back, grab our bags, and throw them into our new houses. Luckily the school provided us with a free ride to get our things. I felt a bit like a celebrity in a movie.

 Pee Wee's Playhouse, to be exact.

 Nina approves of stylish rhino, duck, and elephant seat covers.

 Now whenever you move to a new country you may experience a bout with culture shock. This is where you get to a point of being so overwhelmed with the unfamiliarity of things that you start to become very resentful and emotionally distraught. So it's important to develop a group of friends and even some hobbies as ways of coping with culture shock. I know there are a few people who are thinking, "No way! It's all so new and fascinating! I love everything and nothing will ever change that!" And really, that's great! Maybe you're right. After all, who am I to cold-cock your dreams of bliss and fairy tales with happy endings?

 I'm reality and I'm calling you out.

Now that's not to say that you shouldn't visit new places just because you're wary of your bladder control/leg strength. In almost any country you'll find something that reminds you a bit of home. Taiwan is no exception, and it doesn't take much effort to find familiar places like 7-11, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, 7-11, Baskin Robbins, 7-11, KFC, 7-11, and 7-11.

Yesterday I went with a group of teachers to a Hash House Harriers event. Calm down, it's not what it sounds like. It's more like a club that gets together every Saturday and drives out to a small town in the countryside and runs some trails. The catch is that these aren't paved walkways with easy to read signs. Instead, a group of 2 or 3 people decide on a path before hand and then leave everyone little clues on where to go by leaving behind flour, shredded paper, or a chalk mark. Occasionally you come upon a circle with a dot in the middle. This means "haha screw you, the next clue is hidden somewhere in a hundred meter radius of here." Basically, it's the tale of Hansel and Gretel on steroids.You end up running through the jungle, sliding down steep inclines in bamboo forests, crawling over rocky streams, and sweating every ounce of fluid out of your body. You do this typically for 6-8 kilometers, but sometimes they're longer. There's a beer checkpoint about 2/3 of the way trough though, so at least someone's looking out for you. After finishing the trail they had a pig roast and shot off fireworks for Canada Day/4th of July. It was definitely something I have to do again.

Near my house is a local university that I can in no way pronounce so we'll just call it KU Taiwan. I went exploring KU Taiwan the other day and they do their campus a little differently than your traditional American college.

Wood Mantis preys on your nightmares...

And what campus is complete without a military jet randomly plopped in between classes?

Once you're a tenured professor you get your own parking space.

Even though Taiwan is completely different from anywhere I've ever lived before, I feel like this is going to be a great year. I've already met some awesome people and am really looking forward to whatever comes next. Every day's a new adventure and I absolutely love it. And my Mandarin is continually improving!

I believe it says, "I am a sign."

Two Days in Taiwan

Xièxiè. It means "thank you" and is one of the more vital phrases to know in Taiwan. You basically say it to everyone. The important thing to remember is that it's pronounced [shi shi] with a short i sound, like saying "shit shit" but without the "T" at the end. Now you might be asking yourself, "But Eli, why are you giving me this excellent lesson in Mandarin pronunciation?" Well it's because if you say xièxiè with a long i sound, like saying "shee shee," you're actually saying "pee pee" which is what I told the guy at the front desk of the hotel. So yeah...

Now that we got that out of the way let's talk about some other stuff. I've been in Taiwan for 2 days now and it is an amazing place. I'm currently staying in a hotel located in the Dong district while I wait to move into the housing provided by Cornel. When we got to the hotel Friday night the school had welcome baskets waiting for us in our rooms. It was filled with the usual stuff: bananas, apples, kiwi, cheese pizza flavored Doritos, and blueberry ice cream Oreos.

Say hello to the new member of the team.

On Saturday we were taken to the school's graduation ceremony for the Kindergarten and sixth grade classes. The sixth grade classes did skits based on countries they had researched this year and the kindergartners sang and danced. It was great seeing the kids have so much fun.

I believe this is the part where they we're singing "Gangsta's Paradise."

Afterwards we got to meet the other teachers at Cornel, including our mentor teachers. It hadn't really dawned on me how many people actually work at the school until we were all gathered out in the hallway. It's awesome to see how well everyone gets along and they were all very friendly to us newbies. The best part however, had to be when I was getting ready to leave and was stopped on the stairs by a woman and her daughter. The woman told me that in the second week of July her daughter would be joining my kindergarten class after they get back from their vacation to Legoland Malaysia. So not only did I get to meet a future student on my first day in Taiwan but I also learned where the nearest Legoland is located. FYI: it's only a four and a half hour flight to Malaysia.

Once we were done cleaning up from the graduation we all decided to get some lunch at a popular restaurant nearby. Us new teachers partnered up with our mentors and got to go on our very first scooter ride. At this point I would like to take a break and ask my mom to skip over the remainder of this section and move on to the next paragraph.... Alright, so it was awesome! The traffic laws in Taiwan seem to be more like friendly suggestions that nobody really bothered to listen to. People on scooters just zip around and it has a very organized chaos feel to it. It's like those movies where a gang of tattooed biker runs the town only instead of motorcycles  it's scooters and instead of tattoos it's Hello Kitty helmets. At one intersection I was stared down by a five-year-old girl with a pink helmet visor. She looked hardcore and I could tell she wanted to fight so I decided to look away like a coward. Despite this though, the scooters are awesome!

OK Mom, I trust you took my advice and skipped the last paragraph. Basically it was a casual scooter ride and everyone was very courteous. It was alright but I kind of got bored. I doubt I'll do it again.

The restaurant we ended up going to served us this circular food that was mainly bread but had a mixture of cheese and other assorted foods on top, along with some kind of sauce. The locals pronounce it as "peet-zah." I wasn't too sure about it at first, but half the reason I came to Taiwan is to try new things. It was really good and I was even able to take the leftovers back to the hotel and refrigerate them. I hear it tastes just as good when its cold.

 Pictured above: Authentic Taiwanese food.

Later that night all the teachers went to KTV which is a place where a group can rent out a private room and have a karaoke party. Because this is Taiwan and these things exist. The taxi we took to get there was driven by this really nice guy who couldn't speak English but kept trying to tell us something through Mandarin and gestures. About five minutes in to my first game of Taiwanese Charades one of the other teachers realized that he was trying to tell us that he didn't speak English. Go figure. Then he showed us a music video on his dashboard screen that had a bunch of scenes from The Fast and the Furious in it. After our second game of Taiwanese Charades we figured out he was saying that a scene from the movie where this guy break dances in a crowd was shot in Taichung. I haven't decided yet if learning that little fact justified the number of times the driver took his hands off the wheel or looked down to rewind the video. I'm leaning towards yes though.

This morning another new teacher and I went to get some coffee and walked through this really cool open air market. If you haven't seen a pile of chicken feet for sale then you're doing this whole "life" thing wrong and I pity you. Seriously, go find a pile of chicken feet. It really makes you contemplate the meaning of things.

"Becarefull the thief" Apparently there's only one thief and he's becoming a real problem.

This bush is currently under construction.

Perhaps the best thing about Taiwan is how I learn something new everyday. For instance, today I finally realized that my hotel bathroom has a phone right next to the toilet. It's just one TV set away from being 7-year-old Eli's dream room. Also, you're not allowed to flush toilet paper down the toilet because the sewer systems can't handle it. Either that or the Taiwanese collectively agreed to lie to every foreigner that comes to their country because, let's be honest, that would be a pretty funny prank.

Brain Break! See if you can figure out where the toilet paper goes...

The one place where it's appropriate to say "shee shee"

Don't worry folks, we're not done with the bathroom yet. Back in the states my good friend Phillip asked a great question about whether or not the showers would be tall enough for me. Well no worries Phil because the shower head is hand-held! This is a new experience for me and I'm a bit embarrassed to say that my hand-held shower skills are slightly sub-par. I basically whip that thing around like I'm in the middle of a lightsaber battle and everything around me must die. On a positive note the bathroom walls a very clean.

My weapon of choice.

The school held a Farewell/Welcome lunch today for all the departing teachers and the new staff. Also, we just got back from going to the restaurant where bubble tea was first created. I'd tell you more about these two adventures but the jet lag just hit me so I think this blog entry is done. Really though, this is shaping up to be an amazing experience and I feel very fortunate to be where I am right now. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I can tell it's going to be great. For all of you who helped and encouraged me to get to where I am, xièxiè.