Tonight, on 60 Minutes...

It's been a mere five minutes since I found myself emerging from the clearing fog of war, victorious in what was without a doubt my toughest battle yet, or at least that memory allows me to recall. The fading adrenaline gave way to a clarity that only a brush with death can provide. I realized that for far too long I have been absent from those who matter most to me. From all of you. And as I picked up the lifeless body of the most insanely hulked out cockroach you've ever seen in your frickin' life, I knew that I must return to this mysterious ethereal known as my stupid blog.

Some of you may have been wondering where I've been away to for so long. In the rush of life had I abandoned you? Left you for the promise of greener pastures? Perhaps I was curious to test the old adage, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or perhaps you should stop nagging me so much as to what I've been doing. I told you, I've been busy! I swear you're turning more into your mother everyday...

Let's start this off with some pictures of something crazy that happened to me a while back. You know those stories where a person is going about their day when all of a sudden they see something so different and strange that they instantly know it's been neglected by everyone who has ever set eyes on it? Well that happened to me. My softer side came through and I decided to pull out some cash and bring home the newest addition to my Taiwan life. Everyone, meet Double Banana!

 

It's part banana, part anomaly.

 Oooohh.....

 

 Aaaahh......

 I ate it. It tasted like a regular banana. I still don't have super powers. So much disappointment...

A few weeks ago Nina and I decided to go to Taipei for the weekend and check out all the sights the city had to offer. Within 30 minutes of being in the city I left my wallet in a taxi. Not on purpose, mind you. Simply because I wasn't paying attention and the universe is a fickle mistress. My journey of seeing the wondrous sights of Taipei took a quick turn into urban survival 101: last the weekend with the money in your pocket.

And for those of you who are saying, "Just call the cab companies, dummy," well I tried that. As far as I know it merely resulted in several taxi services in Taipei being aware that a confused sounding white guy rode in a taxi the previous night and he was calling about something. Who knows what? Just tell him you don't speak English and transfer him to another line.

Nina and I had heard that the Taipei Zoo was an absolute must see, so we decided to go the next morning. It was HUGE and they had a ton of fantastic animals. The best part was that they had information in Chinese and English posted at each exhibit. For example, had it not been for the dedication of the zoo's staff I never would have known the following:

 Nope. Never would have known that. Or seen that. Thanks zoo.

 Normal people would take lots of pictures of the animals. You know, because it's a zoo. That's not really my thing. So go find another blog if that's what you want.

If you're still here, good; let's move on.

Things got weird when you got close to the zoo's bathrooms. There were a lot of signs that I suppose you could label as "encouraging." Maybe motivational is the better word. I don't know, you tell me.

Groups get a discount.

...and you will know thine self.

And for those of you who need a little bit more coaxing than a mere sign can provide, there's this:

Well if you insist.

Pictured above: Me keeping an open mind.

Perhaps it's a not so subtle take on modern art.

We did get to see the new baby pandas at the zoo though. This was a VERY popular attraction so naturally there has to be someway to maintain order. Taipei Zoo is on the case! After standing in line to enter a giant concrete building you stand in line to go through zig-zagging walkways. Eventually you approach a giant pane of glass guarded by zoo personnel droning the Chinese equivalent of, "Move along, move along, move along..."

As you move along (which is highly recommended by zoo staff) you can catch a glimpse into the panda exhibit and capture breathtaking moments of the pandas interacting as if they were actually in the wild.

This is what pandas do in the wild.

See? He's right there, being a panda.

Just look at him! Being all barely alive and such!

Also, this was outside the zoo. I guess maybe it represents Mother Earth.

Or an oncoming law suit from PETA.

After the zoo we went to the Huaxi night market which was really cool. We visited the Longshan Temple and took part in the burning of incense. Out of respect, I didn't take a lot of pictures of the temple. Sometimes I'm a good person.

Afterwards we headed down to the main strip with all the little shops. It was pretty busy but really cool to see. Luckily, my height allows certain perspectives not easily attained by most locals.

If you believe most locals are incapable of holding a camera over their head.

There were lots of neat little things too, including what I can only assume was supposed to be a penguin and panda version of Cheech and Chong.

He's seen some things man, some real crazy things.

Still better than the zoo's panda.

Glenn Beck playing Communist Asian instruments? Maybe. Who's to say? I'm just asking questions.

The next day on our way to the High Speed Rail we stopped in at the Shandao Temple. And when I say "stopped in" I mean "clapped at and redirected by temple security." We had mistakenly tried to enter some other random building at first. The clapping helped to correct this blunder.

We reached the train station with plenty of time to spare so we decided to walk around and see what we could find. And wouldn't you know it? There just happened to be a dance competition going on across the street. Because of course there was.

Some of the "crews," as the kids are calling them these days, were really good. Some were really strange. Actually, a lot were really strange. Take these guys for instance.

I believe this is what is referred to as "pop, lock, and drop it"

The last group was even stranger, dancing to this traditional Taiwanese music that morphed into some sort of goth rock opera. All the guys were dressed up as emotionless fan wielding geishas in denim jackets and the girls looked liked half-dressed emo kids. I didn't get a recording of their performance and I don't think anyone else in the crowd did either. We were all too distracted by the fact that we were experiencing the truest definition of a waking nightmare. Thank you Taipei, I would have hated for my trip to end on a normal note.

 I'm about done with this entry but before I sign off I have one last quick story. Do you recall the earlier photo of the Chinese Civet? With the scented glands? Of course you do. That's the kind of mental scarring that requires lifelong therapy. Anyway, another interesting fact about the civet is that they will eat a steady diet of berries and coffee beans. And as you know, when you put something into your body eventually it must leave your body. What you may not know is that farmers go around collecting the poop from these civets. They then use them to make specialty coffee. Some people swear it's some of the best coffee in the world. Others say it tastes like crap (insert rim shot here). Well guess what a coworker of mine gave me the other day...

Well if the package says it's OK for all...

So yes. I drank the squirrel poop coffee because I'm an open minded individual and being single for the rest of my life can't be all THAT bad. Be proud of me Mom and Dad. This is what I went to school for.