Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Length of This One Got Out of Hand Fast

One of these days I'll do a post to show everybody my school, my students, and maybe even my house. But today's not that day, so buckle down and get ready to read more pointless garbage. It's either this or you go back to stalking people on Facebook and let's be honest, you've done enough of that already today. They're your ex for a reason. Let it go.

And if any of you started singing that damn Frozen song after reading that last sentence, you can knock it off right now.

Living in a country where you don't know the language can pose some difficult challenges so it's important to have a few strategies to help get around. Knowing a few key phrases can be extremely helpful. And in the beginning it's pretty much a given that you need to have addresses written down in case you need to take a taxi.

For example, the other day I was having lunch with some friends who teach at the school on the other side of town. We decided to eat at this restaurant that was in the central part of Taichung so it kind of split the distance as far as travel time between the two campuses. Afterwards we decided to go our separate ways and meet up later that evening. I waved down a taxi and was on my way. Naturally, I had my schools contact card with me with my campuses address circled. After all, I'm a smart traveler and my school is only a five minute walk from my house. The driver said OK and we were off. Eli for the win!

Taxis are great if for nothing else you can just zone out and pretend you're the racist old lady from "Driving Ms. Daisy." And it's in that spirit that I'll refer to the driver as Morgan Freeman for the remainder of this story. So about twenty minutes into our drive I snapped out of my trance and realized that all the buildings around us were still really nice looking (read: not my neighborhood). I looked up at the street sign just in time to see that Morgan Freeman had driven me to the complete opposite side of town. Apparently when I showed him my school's card he looked at the address just above the address I had circled and so we ended up at the Shangan campus. He pulled up in front of the school as I tried to explain to him in a language somewhat resembling Mandarin that I wanted to go to Nanmen. After I showed him the address card again he saw the correct address we just sat there in silence.

Finally Morgan Freeman and I just started laughing and laughing. It was a really beautiful moment. About 30 slightly less beautiful minutes later I arrived home with a reduced fare and the realization that having addresses written down doesn't work anyway and is a stupid idea. Time for some pictures!

I did this. I am the slayer of mangoes.

I bought this. I am the eater of mango ice cream.

The salad came with a side of dentures!

Last night we went to a night market off of Sanmin Road. It's a really cool place with a bunch of little shops and food vendors. We got these sausages where the "bun" is actually a sausage casing full of rice (because there's rice in everything here). Then it's topped of with an actual sausage and some sort of spicy sauce. They've been described as "awesome."

It's one of the more flattering pictures I've taken...

After that we went to a fruit smoothie stand that was absolutely fantastic. While we were waiting in line I asked a coworker what flavors they had. "Watermelon, banana, and papaya. Those are the only fruits they have on display." No mango for this poor boy. I let everyone go ahead of me to order. When it was my turn I approached the stand and sadly resigned myself to a banana smoothie. As I looked up the girl working behind the counter made eye contact with me and said in the voice of an angel/back alley drug dealer, "You want mango?" She opened a refrigerator and showed me a tray full of sliced mangoes. I must have mustered out a yes while in a state of shock because the next thing I know, I had a mango smoothie! The clouds parted and sunshine followed me wherever I walked.

We spent the rest of the night just walking around looking at the different shops.

Hello demon monkey. From Mr. Rogers' dressing room.

I also found this really cool fuckin hat.

But what does it mean?

Lest we forget the goat massacre that occurred on this hallow ground.

They even put rice in the salt shakers! Have they no shame?!

One of perhaps the weirdest feelings I've gotten since being here is the feeling I get when people stare at me. At first I didn't notice, probably because I was so overwhelmed. But now it seems to happen everywhere I go. The novelty of being a white person in Taiwan wears off pretty quick after a few weeks of stares. You know people aren't trying to be rude but it's hard to know how to respond to be constantly looked at. It's a bit embarrassing but I find myself getting excited when I see another white person. Like, "Take a picture, take a picture!" excited.

Dr. Michael, in all his billboard glory.

More white....people?

Alright, sorry to anyone who felt uncomfortable about that last section. Race can be a touchy subject and everyone has their own feelings on how to approach it while being sensitive towards others. I wasn't trying to be offensive but I had those pictures and I needed to figure out a way to use them so that's the route I went with. Besides, I hate white people.

The other night I tried this new "candy." We'll call it "candy" because it comes in bright shiny wrapping like candy usually does. We'll use the quotation marks because what it really is, is a small dead fish wrapped in deceit!

LIES!!!

Now I'm sure some of you want to know what it tasted like. Well do you remember that finely shredded beef jerky that they used to shamelessly sell to kids in plastic cans resembling tobacco chew?

That's the stuff. A safe alternative to candy cigarettes.

Well it tasted just like that but with a strong mix of fish. But at least I'm building myself a reputation here as the moron who will try any horrible food set in front of him. That's the secret to getting friends and impressing girls. Are ya proud ma?

Well I'm bored and this post is too long. Here's an obligatory bathroom picture. This one comes to us from a vegetarian restaurant.

All you had to do was follow the stairs down to the creepy basement.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

I Think I'm Just Going to Ramble on This One

It's been two weeks since I first landed in Taiwan. Two days ago I decided to go to McDonald's because of reasons I don't have to justify to you. So what if I'm surrounded by delicious Taiwanese cuisine?! Some times a guy just wants a cheeseburger! I can still appreciate Taiwanese culture while eating McDonald's!

Sorry, I haven't had a good cup of coffee in a long time. I'm not mad, I'm just tired. Anyway, so I walked into the McDonald's and the very first thing that happens is the two cashiers look at me, look at each other, look back at me, and then turn to each other and start laughing. I checked my pants zipper and everything was cool so I decided to just act like it wasn't a big deal. I figured they were just trying to decide who has to speak English to the white guy. It was surprisingly easy to order my food considering I had to do so in between their breaks from laughing. The female cashier started to ask me a question in Mandarin but then decided that it wasn't worth it and just laughed and threw a straw in my bag. Needless to say, I got my food to go.

Looks like McDonald's design team decided to give acid another try.

After I finished my food, my roommate Keiran got home and wouldn't you know it but he thought McDonald's sounded like a good idea too. I decided to go back with him because I needed to buy some towels from the store nearby (no more drying off with shirts!). We walked into McDonald's and guess who was at the counter? Why, only my two BFFs from earlier! I now know the face of excitement that movie stars get from star-struck fans.

Being laughed at once that day was enough so I decided to hang back at the tables while Keiran went up to order. But here's the thing about Keiran; the dude can speak Mandarin. And not just "Yeah I took a few semesters in college" Mandarin, but full blown "My mom's from Taiwan and I've known Mandarin since I was a child" Mandarin. Mr. and Mrs. Giggles-a-Lot didn't know this. When Keiran got back to the table he informed me that all the employees that had been staring at me were turning around and saying to each other, "He's back, he's back!" So I'm famous. I'll probably go back next week. Straw girl was cute.

And just to assure you that I am enjoying more cultured dishes, tonight I ate blood cake which is basically congealed pig blood and rice. So don't worry Mom, I'm trying new things.

While cleaning up around the house the other day I found something interesting.

Ladies...

Turns out it's from a gimmick restaurant that is toilet themed. Yes, that's a real thing. Apparently the container is what they serve their drinks in. I was going to go check this place out however, based on what I've heard from other people the decorations are kind of cool but the food tastes like shit.

BOOM! Nailed it! I have no regrets about that joke.

While we're on the subject of bathrooms (which has somehow manifested into the running theme of my blog posts) I made a new friend in my school's bathroom the other day.

"Don't mind me. Just looking to save 15% or more on my car insurance."

Speaking of bathrooms, what's something you do in them? That's right, you brush your teeth! But first you need some toothpaste. Well don't worry folks, Taichung has a plethora of toothpaste brands to select from and with a little help from Keiran we can even translate their names for you! For instance...

White People Toothpaste!
Go ahead, Google Translate "white people" to Mandarin. I'll wait.

But don't worry. There's toothpaste for other races too!

Darlie's Black People Toothpaste!

It didn't feel right that these two equally fine brands were in separate areas of the toothpaste aisle, so.....

"Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony!"

Now this blog wouldn't be complete if I didn't dish out some sort of advice about day-to-day living in Taichung so for this entry we'll tackle the pressing issue of trash disposal. Back in America taking out the trash involves taking bags to a trash can and wheeling it to the street on a specific day. It also involves a lot of complaining and threats of not receiving an allowance if you didn't help out around the house more. Overall, it's a pretty monotonous routine. Now for a video of Taiwan taking the American trash experience and drop-kicking it out the 9th floor window.


Flashing lights! Classical music! Neighborhood togetherness! We swarmed that truck like it was the LA riots and it was the only unflipped car on the block! And this happens every night! I know it was the 4th of July yesterday and I'm not one to talk trash on someone during their birthday party, but America could learn a thing or two from this.

Finally, I've realized that blogging is a very one sided endeavor and that doesn't seem very fair to you, my many loyal readers (aka Mom and Dad). So let's get this a bit more interactive. There's a comment button at the end of each blog post. If you want to see something in Taichung, have a ridiculous task you think I should try out, or just want to ask about Taiwan in general, leave a comment and I'll do my best to address it in a future blog. And if I can't find out the answer I'll just make up a really good lie. Or don't leave a comment and just wait for me to post another blog about bathrooms in Taiwan. It's your choice.